leaving nothing of significance.

i have a meeting tomorrow with amy (i'm not sure if anyone else is gonna be there.. i feel like she tried to intentionally schedule it when i'm scheduled for ICS to meet with me- i'm not sure if it's for her safety, so i don't throw a fit over the meeting if she gives me bad news because i hope that's not the reason because they won't protect her from my temper.. it won't protect anyone from my temper but i'm just gonna think optimistically and hope it's so the ICS can help with resources and other things i'll need to live in massachusetts). seeing as ICS has been the ones helping me search for housing in massachusetts- it may be so they can help with resources. it doesn't help to think pessimistically about situations- especially ones this important if i ACTUALLY wanna get somewhere. i thought joe wanted notes on this meeting since he can't be at the meeting personally.. he's about the only family member who's shown me any support. i'm not sure of the purpose of any of my other relatives frowning on my goal of living elsewhere and thus not assisting me AT ALL to move (since my grandma used to HONESTLY CLAIM that amanda would get me to new york almost EVERY day of her life during the last year or two of her life). i'm pretty sure she wanted me to wait for amanda to assist me in moving because she assumed if i did it by myself again, something was BOUND to go wrong- just like last time i went to new york and ended up getting in a car accident. another difference between that time i went to new york and this time when i'm planning to go to concord and live is that i actually have ICS assisting me with getting housing and other resources to live SAFELY and SUCCESSFULLY in concord- opposed to having tim assist me in getting to a state (we were both young and stupid punks who just assumed shit couldn't go wrong for us..). i like people who ACTUALLY do things. NOT ones who just stay in their damn comfort zones- having everyone else do the work for them to get them what they want. if you want something- you gotta put the effort in and ACTUALLY work for it. i was not supported by a parent who encouraged this kind of integrity and/or really gave me much to look up to and idolize by example. i think that's why my grandparents also might have stepped in and tried to help my mom as much as possible when they were alive. i naturally gravitated towards my grandparents with my brother. i'm not sure if that's the reason why both of us actually graduated high school while my sister dropped out of school in 8th grade because she was pregnant- never to return to school (YES.. i HAVE heard countless claims from her about going back to school to get her GED.. she's never actually taken the iniative to do so though.. she's got a few kids and NO high school diploma- i hate to tell her that she's in a raft in a wild river of life WITHOUT a paddle to help her steer anywhere or propel her because like calls from mom- I'LL JUST IGNORE CALLS and i KNOW jay won't help). they act as if they're weights on our lives- meant to drag us down when we're ACTUALLY trying to live our lives. i know my grandma threatened my mom never to ask me for money but i'm not sure about if she threatened her about my brother since my mom seems to get money from my brother (with AND WITHOUT his knowledge.. a mother who steals from her own children.. sounds like a NICE lady to me! *sarcasm*). the longer i'm kept from actually living my life the way I want- THE MORE SHIT WILL COME OUT ABOUT MY MOM'S RIDICULOUS EXCUSE OF "PARENTING". i feel like i'm only getting started. it shows exactly what i DON'T have in THIS state.